I’d like to take this moment to wish all of you who take the time to read our blog and listen to our podcast a very Happy Thanksgiving. This is easily my favorite holiday because I don’t have to worry about gifts. This is simply a time to be thankful, engage in gluttony, and watch football…then rush to the store to land a Stone Cold Stunner on whatever asshat has his hands on the last TV at Walmart.
Man I love this country.
At some point during your holiday you will undoubtably be asked that painful question, “What’re you thankful for?”
It’s not that you don’t have a lot to be thankful for, because you know you do. You just want to give an answer that strays from the norm. Something everyone else may have overlooked. Plus, everyone knows your suckass brother in law is gonna try and hit a home run with some generic response like “family” or “my sweet wife” or some other weak answer to try and “wow” the crowd.
Your brother in law sucks. I get it. But, the heat is on you now thanks to your Aunt Bessie starting the “Thankful For” game that ruins every fine Thanksgiving dinner. You need something fresh.
That’s why I’m here. Let’s look at some of the options.
“I’m thankful for cat videos.”
Me too. How can anyone be mad at that? Chances are Aunt Bessie has a few hundred felines herself. Maybe that’s why she smells like cat piss? Or maybe she cooks meth? Hard to know. Chances are this will start a good conversation about everyone’s favorite cat video. Now’s your chance to escape the conversation and get a head start on the dessert line. Nice work champ.
“I’m thankful for Rick Pitino.”
How can anyone not be thankful for the man that single handedly destroyed Louisville athletics? I have my doubts that when he had the “brief” affair on the Italian restaurant table, purchased hookers for underage athletes, and paid for players; that he knew he would be cementing himself in the hearts of every Kentucky fan, but he did. Someone in ’96 was like, “The Kentucky fanbase couldn’t be more proud of you.” Then Rick was like, “Hold my beer.”
“I’m thankful for clean underwear.”
Anyone who scoffs at that has never shit their pants. Anyone who says they’ve never shit their pants is a liar. People forget how great a pair of fresh under drawers are. It’s nice to give them the recognition they deserve on a day other than the Wednesday after Taco Tuesday. Chance are, Grandpa Joe will be reminded of how thankful he is for clean underwear about an hour after he finishes that turkey.
“I’m thankful I haven’t been involved in a sex scandal.”
A lot of people eating turkey today can’t say the same. Rough year for sex scandals. This response shows the family how responsible you are for avoiding trouble. It also let’s goody two shoes brother in law know that you’re still getting more chicks than him. That’s a double play. A twin killer. Be warned, you leave yourself open to the “You have to have sex to be involved in a sex scandal.” response. That’s when you flip the table over and tell Mamaw how uncalled for her statement was.
“I’m thankful for the hotels on the
“I’m thankful for The Oakdale.”
Damn right. What better place to grab a laugh? Did you know they won an award from the ND&L for Best Local Blog and Podcast? The Chief still hasn’t picked up the award yet (I’ll visit next week, sorry.) because he’s lazy, but it’s true! No doubt the whole family will start sharing their favorite post and telling their favorite podcast story. That’s when the #whoisthechiefofoakdale game starts. Your granny says she isn’t sure but she’d bet he’s one handsome SOB.
Simmer down Granny.
I hope these responses help you get through your dinner or at least help you to think of some responses of your own. I’m here for you. Never forget.
As I gather around my squad and think of the things I’m thankful for, you can bet that you ladies and lads are at the top of the list. Your comments, likes, and shares are the reason I’m still writing these Pulitzer worthy pieces and recording a podcast that was once referred to as “Slightly better than static.”
Once again, have a fantastic Thanksgiving and don’t forget the reason for the season; Christopher Columbus and heavily discounted items at Walmart.