The greatest festival in the history of festivals has arrived; the Logan County Tobacco Festival.

Not the Logan County Tobacco and “Heritage” Festival.

When did we add that? Why did we add that? Is it not okay to just celebrate tobacco? I like my festival raw. Keep your PC and I’ll keep calling it what it was, is, and always will be; The Tobacco Festival. Tobacco built this County. For Pete’s sake they use to have a tobacco spitting competition! We are getting soft.

I’m not sure if the “Heritage” came first or the ban on throwing candy, but that’s another issue I have. When I was a kid that was the best part. Nothing generated my competitive juices more than trying to out hustle my brother to collect the most Tootsie Rolls. You didn’t have to tell us not to run out in front of the parade vehicles to collect our loot, we were born with the super power of common sense.

Other than the aforementioned issues, I genuinely enjoy the Tobacco Festival. For people watchers like myself, it’s the Super Bowl. The Tobacco Festival really brings out the gems Logan County has to offer. Here’s a fun game, bring a flask and take a swig every time you see a cut off t-shirt, neck tattoo, or someone wearing leggings who shouldn’t.

The flask will be gone before you park your car.

The Festival is also good for reunions. It’s always nice to see an ex-girlfriend from high school pushing five strollers, blazing a Virginia Slim, and looking like she got hit by a Mack Truck. It’s pleasant to see someone you went to school with and have that awkward, “How have you been?” conversation, where you pretend like you care. Make that promise that you need to catch up sometime, we both know it’s empty.

The food is unbeatable. I hope I’m never on death row, but if I land there I want my last meal to be a ribeye sandwich and a fresh squeezed lemonade. Do I like paying for them? No. The price they charge for a ribeye sandwich should land them behind bars for assault. I know I’m going to be pissed when I go to pay, but there I am, at the window, scratching my neck like a crack fiend, begging for another ribeye sandwich.

The parade is really hit or miss. As a mid twenties male, parades don’t do much for me, but I respect the effort that goes in it. I enjoy seeing the unexpected things in the parade. For instance, will the Burger King himself make his appearance? I also enjoy the staples such as the mini car driving clowns and the inmates scooping up horse poop to end the show.

I actually enjoy the inmates scooping poop way more than I should.

I hope all of you enjoy your time at this year’s Tobacco Festival. It truly is a great time to enjoy some time with your family and friends. While I will do my best to enjoy this years festival, I look forward to the addition of a sports bar on the square I can sneak off to in the festivals to come.