The Candidate Forum happened Friday night and it went about how you would expect. The Humane Society did a fine job hosting and I thought the whole intent was fantastic. However, the questions the candidates answered were less than entertaining. The majority seemed to focus on the Humane Society, as they should, since they were the host of the event. I’m just not sure those are the questions that the voters were looking to hear answered; that’s the unfortunate downfall of a random draw. The candidates answered the questions much like you would expect, low key and politically correct. A few attempted to tap on the mold but none came close to breaking it.

Now it’s my turn to answer the questions.

Candidates were given a minute to tell about themselves and two minutes to answer, so I’ll do both, introduce myself and answer the questions they received, as if I were the candidate running for that particular office. Put your seat belts on, it’s going to be a wild ride.

Introduction

Hello constituents, I’m The Chief. I’m from West Lewisburg, born and raised. On the internet is where I spend most of my days. Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool. Shooting a few podcasts, acting a fool. Then these other candidates, who are up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my mom got scared, she said, “You need to run for office and get them fools outta there.” Thank you. Vote Chief.

Question for Judge Executive

What is your opinion on purchasing Boy Scout Lake?

I’m less interested in Boy Scout Lake and more interested in Dogwood Lake. That place was a banger. If we can buy Boy Scout and turn it into what Dogwood Lake was, before Logan Aluminum stopped going there for company picnics, I’m all in. We gotta get those fast ass go-carts they had with the questionable seat belts. We also need that one ride with the spinning chairs that made people puke hotdogs on the floor, that’s a big selling point.

Question for Sheriff

If elected, how will you ensure there are no more inmates using illegal drugs within the Sheriffs Office?

The easiest way to fix that issue is just make the drugs legal. If the drugs are legal, and we aren’t harassing them over it, eventually they’ll do one pop of meth too many and remedy the situation for us. Also, I think you’ll be surprised at how much work the jail help will be able to do if given a little bump before they start work. They’ll have all the litter picked up, in the entire county, before lunch.

Question for Jailer

How do you feel about fair education for inmates while incarcerated?

There is already a wide variety of programs in place to further educate our inmates. But, since you asked, I’ve been thinking we help these troubled men and women even more. I’ve partnered with Yale and Harvard and they will be offering courses inside of our jail. We might have a few future Presidents running around in here. I’m all about a good success story.

Question for Circuit Court Clerk

Explain the new drivers license that permits people to fly in commercial air planes?

It’s crazy cool. It comes in six different colors and for an extra $20 they’ll let you swap your standard picture with one of your choosing. I’m personally going to choose one of my post-workout shirtless selfies. Nothing says your cool like a post-workout shirtless selfie.

Question for Commonwealth Attorney and 6th District Magistrate (They both received the same question)

What ideas do you have to strengthen the animal welfare laws?

I’m not sure how this pertains to the office I’m seeking, but I appreciate the effort. First off, I find it odd that we allow our animals to receive welfare. Not every animal can hold a job like a police canine or a race horse, I understand, but do we really need to provide them with welfare? If they can’t contribute, we need to kick them out and let them find their own way. It’ll be hard, but a hard lesson learned is a good lesson learned. They’ll be better for it in the end.

Question for 1st District Magistrate

Will you provide physical support to improve the Human Society?

Like physical as in will I swing a hammer? No. Unlikely. I’m fairly lazy and unskilled in that regard. I also won’t walk the dogs, as that also requires energy I do not posses. Ask my dogs the last time they took a stroll, they’ll laugh you off my porch. I also don’t clean up feces. At my house, when my dog drops a deuce in the floor, I dry heave until my wife finally decides to do it for me. She’s a doll.

Question for 2nd District Magistrate

What will you do to combat the opposition to build a new facility for the Humane Society?

Combat. There we go. Now you’re talking my language. I guess the right thing to do will be to challenge them to a duel at high noon. But just so we are clear, instead of doing the full 20 paces, I’m turning and popping off at 19. I’ve got things to live for and making sure cats have a shiny place to get euthanized isn’t worth taking a slug for.

Question for 3rd District Magistrate

What will you do to bring manufacturing jobs to Logan County?

I’ll offer my middle child as sacrifice to the manufacturing gods. What they don’t know is, I only plan on having two kids. If, by chance, I accidentally have three, no one likes a middle child anyway.

4th District was a no show.

Question for 5th District

What will you do to assure all citizens can attend Circuit Court Meetings?

We will use the school system’s busses to gather everyone up that wants to attend. We will make sure we have an attendant to hold their hand as they cross the street to board the bus. Once inside, we will have a keg in the back to get ’em nice and loose for the meeting. We want them to really say what is on their mind. After every meeting we will have a dance party. Maybe even a few foam parties. Attendance will be record breaking and we will really get a good feel for our people.

This is why I can’t be a politician. No one who says crazy stuff ever gets elected…right?

In all seriousness, it was a great event. Thank you to the Humane Society for putting it on and everyone, don’t forget to vote in May. The importance of voting can’t be overstated.