I hope no one goes to Hell. But, based on what I’ve heard, some folks may find themselves there. I know where I’m going to go when my shot clock expires but as I was laying around last week I got to thinking, what would hell be like for me if I had to go?

We know it won’t be a cool place to chill for eternity but, I wonder if everyone’s version of Hell will be the same? We have all heard about the torture and the fire, but what if those are metaphors for far worse things? Everyone is different so I assume the punishments in eternity will be different. Perhaps they will be tailored to fit each individual person, in order to make their forever as miserable as possible.

That being said, one version of hell I thought could happen would be having to wait on my food inside McDonalds for eternity. During my recent visit I had to listen to all the chatter behind the counter. All the stupid jokes a man could stomach and enough drama to last a lifetime. Not to mention dealing with the lady who had to mop under my feet everywhere I went. She acted like I was the inconvenience but she was the one mopping the front during the busiest time of the day. Imagine that forever. Your food never comes, you just keep waiting and moving for the mop lady while watching the shit show behind the counter. Perhaps, they will eventually give you your order, only to find out it’s incorrect so you have to wait again.

The thought of having to endure that, for longer than what I did, is enough to make a man change his ways.

Hell may also be me living a normal life, just doing the things I normally do. The only difference will be, Doris Burke and Kara Lawson will follow me around giving the play by play for every action I take. Every time I sit still, Doris will light a cigarette and blow smoke in my face while forcing me to watch Kara do layups over and over and over. At night when I’m trying to go to sleep, Kara will tell me stories about the WNBA.

Make the madness stop, right?

Hell could also be a school trip with a bus full of middle school girls. Except this trip never reaches its destination. They sing an off pitch version of Justin Bieber’s song Baby, on repeat, only taking a break to scream obscenely loud for no reason. They all bring a different perfume to try and they spray them the entire time. Every girl takes turns telling you about their love life and which girls on the bus they like and hate. When the last one goes the first one comes back and her story has completely changed.

If preachers talked about this possibility more often, they would get a few more men off the golf course on Sunday and into the Lord’s house. Nothing scares a man more than screaming pre-teens and a perfume induced migraine.

They say hell will be worse than anything we could imagine. I’m glad me and the Lord have got the eternity situation worked out because I can’t think of many things worse than what I just listed. I encourage you to do the same.

Get your life together fellas.