Hello fellow Smashville residents. Today is game two against the Avalanche. While this is exciting for us, let’s keep in mind that it may not be for Avalanche fans. We have a lot more hockey to watch on the road to the Stanley Cup and our friends from Colorado are facing the fact that they only have three games left to watch. That’s hard to deal with and their emotions are all over the place, as to be expected. We hurt their feelings last game and I think we should try and be a little more considerate tonight.
The first thing we should do is open the door for them as they enter the arena. That will show that we care. Give them a little smile too. An understanding smile. One that you use at funerals. It says, sorry about your loss but we want you to stay positive and not hurt yourself.
Buy one of them a beer. They’ll need it more than you. Nothing takes the burn of watching your team get broke down and bent over like a little booze. Don’t let them get too drunk though. Drunk people can be unpredictable and we don’t want them to do something they will regret. Also, we want them to remember this ass whipping vividly.
There was a bit of a noise complaint last game so let’s keep it down shall we? When PK rips a slapper through Bernier’s chest, keep your applause light. Reach out and caress the back of the closest Avs fan. Reassure them that the pain will be over soon. If you have one handy, give them a piece of candy. Nothing makes people smile more than a piece of candy.
Don’t tell Bernier he sucks. He’s doing all he can, ya know? He’s out there trying to do his best and it gets difficult to do when 18,000 humans are criticizing you. You wouldn’t like that at your job would you? Didn’t think so. The Golden Rule applies to hockey too.
When the final horn blows and “All I Do is Win” blares from the speakers, remind Avalanche fans that their team played hard and that deserves something too. Secretly, we will have a surprise “We Participated in Game Two” trophy ceremony for them on the concourse as they leave. That will make them feel good and that’s what really matters, their feelings.
Be loud. Be proud. Throw catfish. Chant “You suck!” with everything you have. Make them remember their trip to “The Stone” as the loudest experience of their life.