I love being a guy. It’s my second favorite thing about me. My first favorite thing is that I’m not a girl. But, I think we have all wondered what it would be like to swap genders at some point in life. So here I go, walk with me as I map out what I would do if I had to spend seven days as a female.

Day 1

First off, I’m going to hope and pray that it’s not shark week. That’s a learning curve I’m not ready for. I know nothing about what it takes to handle that situation and I would assume I’d spend the next days in bed praying for death. What a horrible twist that would be in my journey.

If it isn’t shark week I’m going to spend the first day exploring my nether regions and jumping up and down in the mirror. I got a lot of learning to do. I’ll take good notes to benefit my fellow man. At some point I’ll try and figure out how to put on a bra. I’m not sure how to operate the behind the back clasp as a one person operation but that’s nothing duck tape or a stapler can’t fix.

Day 2

On day two I’m going to call my mother and talk to her on the phone for hours. Not because I want to, but I assume it’s a need that will be engraved in my female mind.

Once I get that done I’ll sit on the couch and play on my phone. I’ll examine other people’s Facebook photos and criticize them in my mind after I leave a comment like, “OMG! Cute girl!”

There’s some kind of satisfaction to that and I’m anxious to see what the hype is all about.

Day 3

By the time day three comes around I’m going to need some companionship. I’ll call up my three best girlfriends and set up a brunch date. Let’s call them Katie, Rhonda, and Susan. I’ll meet up with them and talk about nails, hair, boys, and what I thought of The Bachelor. The whole situation seems like a real blast.

When the brunch is over I’ll call one of my other BFFs and tell her all the gossip I learned at brunch. I’ll tell her how Susan is a real bitch. I’ll tell her how gross Katie’s outfit was. I’ll tell her all about how Rhonda’s husband is a dead beat low life who cheats on her.

Oops was that a secret? Oh well, right?

Day 4

On day four I’m going to need some exercise so, hot yoga here we come!

I can’t wait to get all dolled up only to look like a sweaty clown when I leave. I’ll be sure to wear a cute tank top with a clever workout phrase on it like “Hakuna Masquata: It means nice booty!”

I’ll be fabo, I literally can’t even.

When the workout is over I’ll reapply my makeup and take my mandatory post workout selfies for Instagram. #gymgirl #fitnessfreak #girlgainz #workoutwednesday #healthiswealth #sweatingforthewedding

Day 5

By this point I’m going to have a huge craving to tell a man pointless information. I guess I’ll find one on the street and just tell him every detail of my day, from the second I got out of bed to the point we are at now. When he doesn’t remember the smallest details, I’ll get huff and puff and walk away. I’ll tell him how he never listens to me and doesn’t care about my feelings.

Day 6

Time to go shopping! I’ll blow a credit card limit all to hell on new shoes and purses. Lord knows I need new make up too. I haven’t bought a new shirt since like yesterday so I totally better buy ten today. When I get home I’ll cram it all in my over stuffed closet. Then I’ll sit in the floor and cry because I can’t find anything to wear.

Day 7

I’ll celebrate the end of my gender swapping week by going to the club. I can’t wait to act just interested enough so that guys buy me free booze all night. I’ll redefine what it’s like to get “white girl wasted.”

I’ll ignore every nice guy that hits on me and end up leaving with the biggest asshole in the room. I’ll vomit in his car half way to his house and as soon as we see a cop I’ll scream rape out the window.

Man, being a girl seems like so much fun. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go celebrate the fact that I’m a man by pissing in a urinal and watching sports.