Hey. How are you? We usually don’t have a lot of time to talk. It’s my fault, not yours. See when we meet I am typically in a hurry. Life has got me busy and I don’t have a lot of time for conversation. Hence the reason I am in your drive thru line rather than inside.

We haven’t been jiving lately and I wanted to take a few moments to talk to you and see if we could get on the same page. I think if we could come to an agreement on a few things our interactions would be more pleasant for both parties.

The first thing I’d like to discuss is you cutting me off when I’m in the middle of ordering. If I want a large I’ll tell you. If I forget to tell you what I want to drink, wait to ask me. Save all questions till the end please. I’m in the middle of trying to remember a list of things I want to stuff in my belly and when you interrupt over minor details you’re really throwing a wrench in my gears. If I forget to add an apple pie because you couldn’t keep your trap shut I will be Chris Brown level angry.

Lose the attitude while you’re at it. I don’t care that your boyfriend left you for your mom. I don’t care that your dealer got busted. Don’t bring it to work with you. I chose your restaurant to get me one step closer to congestive heart failure, give me a little enthusiasm will ya? Don’t get pissy with me because you can’t remember three items. Perhaps if you were more worried about your job than how you were going to get your next score you could remember that I asked for those burgers plain.

Also, don’t ever ask me to pull forward and wait again. I don’t care that you’re on a timer. Be better at your job. I’d understand if I ordered 20 burgers. But when I order a basic number two you better have it in my car pronto.

I won’t pull forward. I will sit and stare at you awkwardly till you hand me my bag of cholesterol through the window. I don’t care that the line is backing up. They should’ve got there before me and you should tell the fry guy to step on the gas. They aren’t honking at me, they’re honking at you princess.

I know you’re busy. It’s lunch. What did you expect when you took this job? Act like you’ve been here before. A wise man once told me, “The garbage man doesn’t turn the corner and say, “Oh shit! There’s trash!””

So forgive me for not having sympathy for you when there are cars in your line. You should have been prepared. Preparation wins championships. Or in your case, preparation keeps us from having an awkward stare down at the drive thru window.

Your job is important. Not $15 an hour important, but important. I want you to succeed. Your success keeps my stomach full and my heart happy. (My emotional heart not my actual heart. My actual heart is busy trying to avoid blockages from the grease so he’s probably a little pissed.)

You can improve. I have faith in you.

We’ll try it again tomorrow okay? See ya then buddy.