For most of mankind’s existence the man of the house has been in charge of the TV. What appeared on the television was solely decided upon by him. No voting, no choosing, no deliberation.
Times have changed. With reality shows, talk shows, and other garbage, the female species feels the need to be involved with what comes on the tube. This obviously puts a strain on how much sports can be consumed by the male. Initially, this places a choke hold on the marriage because as much as man loves sports, man also hates nagging wife.
Although it comes at a cost, I do have some tips to alleviate this burden. These strategies may not be effective in your home, and they may be tough to implement, but they have proven effective for me.
Give up one sport.
You have to give up one sport so that when the wife complains that you watch too many sports you can explain how you gave up watching (insert sport of your choosing) so that she may have the TV to watch whatever she would like.
Way to be a caring husband. Is that a halo I see above your head?
For me I selected baseball. Luckily the Red’s sucking made that easy for me but the decision may be harder for you.
You may also change your selection once every calendar year. Meaning if I was to suddenly get back into baseball I would have to avoid something else like the NFL once the season started.
Playoffs never count for this. If the Red’s make the post season, I am then eligible to play the “Playoff Trump” card. Everyone knows that. It’s in the marriage certificate both parties signed. Look it up.
Watch a show she likes with her.
This has been scientifically proven, through a study I made up, to lower female aggression towards sports programming by 40-50%. Through careful planning and scouting reports you can make this work in your favor.
Select a show that typically doesn’t air during the days when your team is playing. Also, try to find something with attractive females in it so that at least you have something to look at.
For me that show is The Bachelor. Laugh if you will, but there is a mass amount of dime pieces on that show and it rarely ever interferes with Predators Hockey or Kentucky Basketball.
Utilize streaming services.
For me the ESPN app and Fox Sports Go are as essential as oxygen and water.
When the wife wants the TV because one of the Kardashians broke a nail and they’re having a special on it, I can find a game on either of those apps. Once I do, all that’s required is to plug in the headphones, kick up the recliner, and it’s like you’re not even in the same room.
Women want men to do a plethora of stupid stuff. While our natural instinct is to start finding ways out of it, we need to start seizing the moment.
When you’re being double teamed, look for the open man under the basket.
When the wife wants you to go with her to the store agree to it. But only under the stipulation you get to watch the Cavs game at seven.
When she wants to eat with they family after church be all on board. But remind her the final round coverage of the US Open starts at two.
Buy her a tablet.
The holy grail of TV defense. This one time purchase combined with a monthly subscription to Netflix will have you free and clear to watch whatever game you want.
Conveniently place the tablet paired with headphones in her usual sitting location. Flip over to the Braves game, then wait. Once she pulls her nose out of her phone, and sees what you’re watching, she will instinctively take the bait. Once she does, let Netflix reel her in and you’re living good for 9 innings.
These are just five of the plays in my playbook. Try them out at your house and see if they don’t change your life. Got any plays of your own? Do share so that we may all watch sports in peace.