Watching the Winter Olympics is like listening to my wife. I know I should tune in and support, but it’s unbearable and boring.

I tried. I really did. I was determined to watch as much as I could but holy hell how many different flips on a snow board are there? I’m all Team America and I’ll keep up with the medal count but if I have to watch one more second of curling I will break every broom in my house.

The Summer Olympics are a different story all together. I eat that up like hot cakes. Swimming? Yes. Golf? Yes. Track? Yes. Women’s beach volleyball? Absolutely yes. Really everything the Summer Olympics has to offer is watchable.

Not the case with the Winter Olympics. Hockey? Yes. Snowboarding? Sure. Bobsledding? What? Curling? Kill yourself.

I think I can’t get into it because I can’t go participate in any of the sports in the Winter Olympic events whenever I want. There’s not a lot of speed skating going on in my neighborhood believe it or not. The closest I’ve ever come to curling is sweeping up the house before my wife gets home from work. Doing a 520 McTwist-A-Nut might be easy, for all I know, but there’s not a lot of snow covered half pipes in the area for me to shred on.

Men’s Hockey is the one and only event I look forward to every four years and NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman ruined that by not allowing the NHL players to participate. Yes, growing the game is less important than NHL revenues. So instead of getting the most elite talent to field the roster we were reduced to former NHL talent and student athletes. Thus leaving Russia with elite talent from the KHL and a one way ticket to the gold. Instead of worrying about how tight Trump and Putin are I think we should look into Bettman and Putin’s relationship. Traitorous bastard.

Kudos to USA Women’s Hockey for their gold over Canada, but the puck dropped at 10pm my time and my eye lids dropped shortly after. Want me to care? Try playing at a reasonable hour, I’ve got stuff to do tomorrow. Don’t give me that “we are playing on the other side of the world” excuse either.

Maybe I can’t on board because America just isn’t that good at winter sports. Of the 2,522 medals USA has won in Olympic competition, 282 of them have been won in the Winter Olympics. I want to be able to drape the stars and bars over my shoulders, burn a Marlboro Red, and shotgun Budweiser’s while I scream at the TV for American athletes to grab another gold. It’s hard to do that when the Norwegians and Russians are shoving snow up our ass in every competition.

I’m not here offering solutions. I have no magic wand to make the Winter Olympics great again because to my knowledge they have always sucked. In 2022 I will try again to watch them but I expect to find no varied results. Until we get Michael Phelps in a pool of glaciers, LeBron on skis, and bikini snowboarding, I’m out.